Beerswax

4 Pines Kolsch…Scorpions - In Trance

Kölsch. What the hell is it? If you couldn’t be bothered clicking on the link, it’s a lagery style which is very regional (Cologne, Germany) and it’s brewed to a very exacting standard. It apparently hasn’t stopped foreign breweries trying it out, though, and now it’s Australia’s turn. 

As most of you know, lagers and I generally don’t see eye to eye. So this brew has surprised me by being my favourite of the regular 4 Pines output. On the face of it, it’s nothing special - a hoppy (but not overly so), a nice robust mouthfeel (for the style, anyway) and bitterness that is very nicely balanced with a malt backbone. I really like this beer, and it makes me want to try other kölsch-style beers, preferably the actual ones brewed in Cologne as that would give a good idea of how it’s supposed to be brewed. It’s also a real summer drink and is very sessionable in the Australian heat And as my hometown of Melbourne has actually put on a reasonably good summer this year (other people don’t agree. They’re wrong), I’ve enjoyed my fair share of this beer. And at the very least, it’d be a good gateway beer for those who are used to the normal macro fare and want to get into microbrews. 

My segue way works! Kind of. In a “gateway heavy metal” kinda way..,When one thinks of Scorpions, one usually thinks: AOR. Hair metal. Poppy hard rock. But the hypothetical one would be wrong, because early in their career, they performed some shit-hot heavy metal (and that’s not even getting into their earlier psych stuff). This album, In Trance, was the one where they developed the sound that would make them squillionaires - anthemic heavy metal. And this album is hellishly good. Riffs, solos, soaring vocals, the ballads don’t suck, and I’ve got the original cover with the girl’s uncensored boob. What’s not to love?! Seriously, if you’ve pigeonholed them into the cheese category, give the albums from this one at least until 1982’s Blackout a try. I predict you’ll be pleasantly surprised. At least get take a long, hard stare at some of their very lurid art work. Just don’t look too hard at the original Virgin Killer artwork. I love the album, but I’m glad that one was changed to the more boring one of them staring awkwardly into the camera (and no, I’m NOT linking to the original. For a damn good reason. What the fuck were they thinking??) 

James Squire - Four Wives Pilsener…Alice Cooper - Trash

For easy-drinking session beers, you could do a lot worse than the beers from Malt Shovel Brewery. They’re generally flavoursome enough that they satisfy, so long as your palate isn’t wanting a particularly orgasmic tastebud experience. I’ve had many a Golden Ale (pale) or an Amber Ale on a warm day and been happy downing a few in a session. However, as is no secret, I hold a healthy suspicion of most Aussie-brewed lagers, and stay away from them. This pilsener doesn’t exactly make me want to convert, either. It’s by no means the worst of its kind - LAGERARSE is very minimal, hops are good and present, but apart from that, it lacks in character. Again, on a hot day, I’d have no problem imbibing a few of these in a row, but it’s just not the sort of beer that grabs me.

And you know what? Again, the theme fits. This Alice Cooper album was actually the first I ever heard, long before I’d heard of “School’s Out” and the other cool horror-themed rock Cooper released in the 70s. This, his 18th album, is pure late 80s hard rock - which isn’t altogether a bad thing. Every track was written to a simple formula, and the formula’s pretty effective - cool but simple riffs, incredibly catchy vocal melodies and hooks, and sexual innuendo up the wazoo. Of course it’s effective - most of the great rock/metal songs are written this way, so why fuck with a winning strategy? That being said, though, I’ve heard much better formulaic 80s hard rock, and as much as this album is lauded, I only find myself playing it every now and then. Good bread-and-butter headbanging material but nothing overly remarkable. Good starting point for delving into a fascinating musical career, though. And thus, we come full circle…pilseners and lagers were the gateway beers for me before finding my true loves: Ale ale ale ale….

Coopers - Premium Lager…Judas Priest - British Steel

Coopers was the brewery that opened my eyes to the possibility of better beer. Growing up drinking the normal macro fare, when I had my first Coopers Red it was an amazing revelation. The Red and the Pale Ale still reign as among my first choices for session beers, even though my taste has largely moved on to bigger and hoppier things. I will always feel everlasting gratitude to this brewery for its role in making me hate Caaaarldon, making me realise that life is too short to drink crap beer, no matter how cheap it is. However, this brewery has done some horrible things, such as Coopers Clear, and some middling things, like this lager.

It’s better than your average macro pale lager, don’t get me wrong. On tap, this is actually quite drinkable, probably because it’s served ice cold. However, at fridge temperature, the more unsavoury flavours come out and does it no favours. On the whole it’s a fairly inoffensive Euro-style pale lager, but it’s got the typical stale malt notes, that grassy aroma that I find a little unappealing, and very little that’s memorable except for the faint, ever-present LAGERARSE. These sorts of lagers have to be drunk Aussie style to be palatable - near freezing, on a hot day with a shitload of dead charcoaled meat. Otherwise, it’s pretty bland.

Which brings me to this Judas Priest album. I think Judas Priest is one of the greatest heavy metal bands of all time. They have a legacy that is unquestionable. However, they also have some very iffy moments. This is not exactly one of those iffy moments, but it definitely led them straight to Ifsville. This was where the more commercial elements they’d introduced in the previous album, Killing Machine/Hell Bent for Leather (name depending on if you’re the rest of the world versus America), really came to fruition. While those commercial elements worked quite well for the latter album, they fall flat on this one. There are a couple of their signature razor-shard speed metal tracks mixed with mainstream rubbish. They basically made an even-more accessible version of Killing Machine, and of course, every chump loved it, and people still say it’s their best. Which is complete bollocks: that honour goes to either the 70s masterpiece Sad Wings of Destiny, their 80s comeback Screaming for Vengeance or the utterly insane (if terribly overproduced) speed metal monster of Painkiller. British Steel is the first Priest album I ever owned/heard, and I still spin it occasionally because it’s a fun listen, but it’s in no way their best, and in fact led to the crime that was Point of Entry. Just as the lager above led to the abysmal horror that is Coopers Clear and Coopers 62 Degrees. I have spoken. 

Burleigh - Black Girafffe…AC/DC - Back In Black

I’m not overwhelmingly familiar with this brewery’s output. I know I’ve had an English-style bitter which was a bit of alright, and - horror of horror - a no-carb beer (old reviews of these coming soon). Of the latter, I can safely say I would rather emulate a golden shower porn actor than drink that vile concoction again. Yes, it was that bad. Fuck it, bring on 2 girls one….actually, no.

Anyway, this is a beer blog…so where was I? Yes, this one. A schwarzbier according to beeradvocate.com, which doesn’t tell you much, and a limited release like the English-style bitter. And according to the label, a black coffee lager. Well, call me intrigued. As you can see, it looked and poured like a stout, but tasted nothing like one, really. Coffee of course was the predominant flavour and very upfront, but it didn’t really come across as a lager - which is a good thing. More like Coopers Dark Ale but with a much more distinctive taste. But not distinctive enough to make it a habit. As far as their limited edition beers go, I’d much rather the bitter, and they still haven’t made up for that no-carb abomination. Still, I remember it being pretty good for what it was, maybe nothing particularly special or different as I was expecting, but drinkable enough.

And behind it we have Acca Dacca. The comeback album after Bon Scott died tragically (and, let’s not deny it, fucking stupidly). I don’t like Brian Johnson-led AC/DC nearly as much as I like the early, arse-kicking, whiskey-and-beer-and-smokes-drenched AC/DC of the 70s, but this album is still worthy. The title track is, of course, utterly legendary, and you could tell they were channeling Bon’s spirit as it’s a real barnstormer of an album. Yet another original pressing, and another one banged up as all hell, but completely worth it. RIP, Bon Scott, this was a pretty fitting tribute.

Brooklyn Lager…Sir Lord Baltimore - Kingdom Come

Much of the reason I started this project on Facebook and why I continue it over here is about learning. With each new beer I drink, I learn. Not just about what I like and don’t like, but more about styles, brewing techniques, what travels well, &c. &c. And people who followed my last lot of posts know that I have developed a particularly strong antipathy towards lagers. Generally, I find them lacking in character and taste, and as they’re the brew of choice in the mainstream, there are a lot of really bland to bad ones. I have never forgiven my beloved Coopers for succumbing to the pressures of bean counters and making the worst example of a low-joule lager (and that’s facing some pretty stiff competition) I’ve ever had the misfortune of drinking. Even lagers made by reputable microbrewers I find to be fairly rank. And if they don’t have a bland boring taste, there’s what I call the “LAGERARSE” taste - a stale, grainy aftertaste that I’m sure is indicative of lagers but which I find wholly unappealing.

However, every now and then I come across one that is not just drinkable, but which I would happily drink multiples of in a night. This is the first time I’ve come across an American lager that I like (having, admittedly, only had Bud and Miller and a few Canadian lagers…which I don’t really consider beer, but anyway…). This one, Brookyln Lager, is brewed “pre-Prohibition style” according to the propaganda, and with an appealing hop aroma, and a really nice blended malt and hop profile in the tasting department. If this is what lagers were like pre-Prohibition, then seriously, fuck you, Prohibition. It’s partly your fault, Elliot Ness. This is what a lager should taste like, goddamnit. The lack of LAGERARSE is much appreciated, Brooklyn. Now, if only I could get it cheaply. Considering local brews are stupidly priced due to our excise laws, that’s unlikely in the near future. Bastards.

Now, as you might have gathered, I try to match a brew with a record if I can. And these two go together…well, they’re both from New York. Yeah…anyway, Sir Lord Baltimore should have been up there with Sabbath, Deep Purple and Zeppelin as the founding fathers of metal. In fact, they were apparently the first band to be described as “heavy metal”, in a rather deprecating way, of course. This one’s their first album from 1970, another original pressing, and it’s banged up as hell, but the scratches just add to the pulverisingly heavy sound, the almost uncontrolled chaos of the haphazard production, and the way they sound utterly manic and on edge. Apart from the one song where they do a weird Joni Mitchell-esque ballad they put in there for some reason, the rest of the songs are like a stampeding horde of barely-held-together post-apocalyptic trucks bearing down on you while you scream for mercy. Okay, maybe I’m waxing lyrical here, but the first time I heard these songs it’s kind of the impression I had, along with knowing the historical context of when these were laid to tape. Their next and last album was pretty shit - very streamlined 70s hard rock which suffered from the comparitively pristine production, foot off the pedal approach and apparent penchant for trying to write prog. Someone should have told them to keep it loud and ballsy and leave the prog to King Crimson. Anyway, one to definitely hear before you die.